Life will not always make sense. It is there to be lived either way. Not the chirping of the birds or the aroma of good food will have hidden meaning. It is all part of this maze we live in. Life, painful as it may be for some or pleasurable for the others, is not what you make it as some would want us to believe. Life just is. It does not care about your perspective. It will happen because that is what life does–happen.
I would love to stand in front of an eager crowd and feed them hope. I would love to stand and punch the air with fists of victory over every little and big fight I have allegedly won in my life. Maybe be this iron lady who prances like a foal in a paddock because she was there,saw and conquered. Probably sing songs of freedom to a wild audience that will sway to my tune like a tribe of over-caffeinated monkeys.
However I will not because I am not a very good liar. I suffer short term memory loss and I would have to write down every lie I bellow through the microphones so that I may remember them all.
Truth is, it still hurts. It hurts that I invested so much of my time and resources trying to build a marriage that was authored on some sinking sand. It breaks my heart. Every. Single. Day. Well, there is a hint of hyperbole there but it is the truth nonetheless. It may not bother me all the time because I am busy being a nurse and a semi-manager of some sorts. You do get what I mean, however,don’t you?
Time and again I hate myself. I look at all I may have done had I not willingly entered a pit that I knew was too deep for me to climb out of. I knew it. That is the problem with most abusive relationships. The victim always, always know what the perpetrator is capable of but they somehow go ahead with it.
It is what I constantly call the impeccable art of self-destruction. My issues, to bore you, were not to do with my marriage per se. I like that phrase “per se.” It is a very Kenyan phrase. We use it in all situations and subsequently murder the Queen’s language. We are amazing. Not amazing Per se but… ha ha see what I did there? You are welcome!
I am deflecting , thank you for stating that. My issues stemmed from anger against those who took my childhood away from me. That was the most simple, perhaps too simple, an explanation I got from my shrink when I asked her why I was so good at screwing myself. I chose a man who I knew would hurt me so that I could continue with my incessant fights with this thing called life. I have always had to fight for things and I thought, albeit unconsciously, that even with marriage, I could fight and change, ergo, my man. When that did not work as I had envisioned, I had to go back to the drawing board.
Some people tell me I was extremely lucky to walk away and finalize the divorce. Others say I was very lucky to move on. These are opinions of people who are not me so allow me to tell you what I think. Fortunate to not have had a baby. By default or by design.
It is all well-preserved hogwash. Balderdash. Shut up world.
I do not feel lucky. I did not, for Chrissake, walk down the aisle so that I could walk right up. We all accept that marriages end but no girl wishes hers to be the one that does. So yes, I may not feel as jammy as I get labelled.
Do not get this twisted, given another chance, I would definitely get that divorce and sooner than I did. I would still look at the man I once called mine and say enough is enough. I am alluding to the fact that fortunate is not how I see myself. Stories of picture-perfect couples I call friends do not help the matter. It is not strange to find myself sad at weddings and crying at christenings. I remember what I do not have. I must say it. Oh I am sorry if you expected a shell of a woman. No. I see things. I think about them and I definitely wish many things would not be or would be and such other self-tormenting thoughts.
Turns out I still succeed at breaking my own heart. I should now get an award . ha ha.
The truth still, is that I let all these feelings of unfulfilled wishes wash over me. I let every dark emotion course through my veins like the poison it is. I have allowed hard times to weigh me down properly until they can’t anymore.
As a matter of fact I remember crying the other day and naming every drop of tear that fell from my eyes. I called one strength, the other wisdom, another compassion, understanding, one more discernment. I had a love tear, a hope tear and a better-day tear. I also allowed the river of anger to stream freely from my eyes . Anger pulled with it fear and fear balanced its legs on my lower eyelids before making small rivulets down my chubby cheeks. The session lasted shorter than I had hoped for.
if you try to gloss over the truth or massage it, more often than not you arrive at erroneous conclusions. That is my truth. I have learnt to wear my unspoken with aplomb. I have learnt that I will hurt even years from today. I will hurt even when IO get married again and even if that marriage will turn out to be what God authored, hurt I will.
Hurting will not escape me when friends seem to be so happy in their marriages, whether on camera or privately. Pain, Like a ghost in the night, will visit me when I remember some four years I spent teaching a fish how to climb a tree. Misery will engulf me when friends post photos of their babies and I am left to wonder kwani what did I do wrong? Yeah, I will ask God many questions too. God and myself.
Mostly myself because well, Papa God answers to no man.
I will want to deactivate all my social media accounts or perhaps go and live in the heart of China where social media is rumors and suggestions. I will feel all these and more.
However, I will still chart my way forward. I will believe that I am human and to not make dumb moves is to be robotic. I am not. To be low is human as Christ had a moment where He too wished to not drink from the cup that was his shameful death by crucifixion. this is where most of us go wrong. The journey to love is both pain and pleasure. You have no choice but to take them both.
We must learn to accept that life does not owe us happiness.
If that is so then, we must allow life to happen and appreciate the good with the bad. God, after creating people, He handed everyone their own small hell to handle. You will never outrun your hell. You will not out-smoke or out-drink or out-whatever-terrible-things-you-do. In fact, you won’t out-sex your hell.
Have fun with it. Embrace it because that is the only way to be human. You will appreciate your journey once you have faced that little piece of pain and risen in spite of it. Like demons, which i will address in the next Lifestyle topic, create a circus for your pain and join in. Control the strings and let the pain dance to your tune.
You own the pain. It does not own you.
Thank you for passing by.